Modeling. Back then and ....

I don't even know where to start this post. Many of you have asked how I started modeling and why I haven't been modeling.  WHere have I been in the past 8 years... I'll do my best to explain it in this post, because to be honest, I still don't know.

I started modeling as a 15 year old. As many of you know (last blog post), by the time I was 17, I was already traveling quite a bit for work.  I knew from the moment I started modeling that I wanted to be Miss Puerto Rico Universe and go to Miss Universe.  And let me explain, in Latin American countries, beauty queens and pageants are a HUGE thing.  In most of our countries, the pageant where they choose who will represent the country is a huge success in ratings. In Colombia, for example, the pageant is held every year in Colombia's Independence Day and it literally stops the country.  Every single eye is on the program. Same thing happens in Venezuela and, well in Puerto Rico that program has the highest ratings of all programs in the Island's tv.  We take huge pride in everyone who represents us. Our flags. Our countries.  Athletes, musicians, beauty queens.....

Since I was a little girl (say 5?) , I was being watched by some family friends who were 100% sure I could be Miss Puerto Rico.  As a little girl it sounded like fun. But weird. Every little girl dreams with being a princess, model, actress..... well, my version of princesses were gymnasts, figure skaters.  You get the point. SPORTY! lol . Well, as I entered my teens, I was a volleyball player, and I loved it SO much... God, such great memories. But whenever I saw these friends who wanted me to be Miss PR, I was annoyed. I really couldn't see myself as a model. Let alone a beauty queen! All I could see was an athlete.  Two years later, our coach quit because he had to move to San Juan. The school brought another coach... and it sucked! Not the coach, the situation. The change in the level was brutal.  We were used to awesome/hard training and competing at the highest level for junior high/high schools and winning a whole lot of the tournaments. And there we were... with a coach that tried his best, but really didn't know how to keep up with us, let alone take us to another level.  It took just a few weeks for the level of frustration to get so high that there was no more team. No one wanted to go to practice anymore.  My real job as a team member during the games was just serving because I was really powerful but I was way too small. I was the only 7nth grader playing in the seniors league with 17 year olds that were so tall that it felt that they doubled my size.  haha When they ordered the uniforms, they always had to order my V.B. Rags pants in kids size.. medium :-/ . Of course being so thin was going to be an assett later on... I just didn't know.

The thing is just like that there was no more volleyball for me.  And the only other sports that people in this town practice are baseball and basketball. And I truly HATE both.  So, no more sports for me.  I was bored, really bored. As in starting to consider taking modeling classes. Uhum... But in my mind I wasn't really interested in modeling. I just wanted to do something! And I knew it wouldn't hurt to learn some stuff about make up/ hair/ fashion/etiquette. All those things were going to be useful later on when I wanted to get a job. So I told mom and she was happy about it.  Not for the modeling but for the fact that I would learn all that stuff. I started the classes with a friend, who really was into modeling. She quit and I kept going. And I was always top of my class. In everything.... And the photographers, make up artists and casting directors really wanted me to give it a try. They all saw what I still couldn't see. And slowly I started falling in love with it.  I entered a beauty pageant and won it.

After finishing that year as a beauty queen I was not sure I wanted to go for the Miss Puerto Rico but let the door open.  When I turned 19, people started asking to coach me for the pageant. They wanted me to enter.  I decided I was going to try it in a year and a half but with a team I could choose.  And I chose the best of the best.  Having won the previous crown, the pressure was on.

And just like that, I started training. My boyfriend at the time was an elite cyclist... yup, that's how I got in all this bike stuff.  I chose to do my physical training on a bike. And I loved every second of it.  And although my boyfriend was helping me achieve my Miss PR goal and wanted me to win it, he liked what he saw on the bike and wanted me to finish with the pageant stuff and... start training, seriously, get in the federation and race. Not happening. Bike races and I DO NOT MIX. I love watching but I don't like to be too close to other people.  But anyway, I trained with passion. I used to ride the trainer watching Chris Carmichael's videos and imagining myself training for races and racing. Um... don't ask. I liked to visualize that. Although I did not like the idea of racing. Maybe I like it but I'm too much of a chicken to give it a try! :-O

I won the pageant and I kept using those videos with Chris to train and I liked thinking that I would get to meet him and be one of the athletes in the videos .... haha crazy shit happens when you imagine stuff but that's a whole different blog post. :P   .  I think I used that as an escape from the mounting pressure from the preparation for the Miss Universe pageant, the hectic schedule with little sleep, dealing with daily scrutiny from the media and interviews.  Add to that daily  schedule of classes, the photo shoots and all the ridiculous power war that exploded within the organization. On top of that I was being "coached" by a person that tried her best to make my life miserable every single day. Just like that. Just because she didn't like me. And she didn't like me because I won over a girl she wanted. I feel like I could handle all the work, media and stress well. Just not the craziness going on in what was supposed to be my support team.

I felt like a rubber doll and everyone from the team was pulling me from different directions.  Back and forth, side to side. You end up staing in the same place!

By the time I got to the Miss Universe Pageant I was physically and emotionally exhausted and DRAINED. And when it was over I just wanted to relax. And do whatever the hell I wanted to, IF I wanted to.  I'd had enough and wanted nothing to do with it.  I wanted to be with my boyfriend. And train, no. Not really train. I was so drained I hated the word TRAIN. Big time. But I wanted to go for rides.  And since I was still under contract with the organization, that was a huge tension point.  They didn't want me to ride because if I crashed, I could screw things up. Road rash. Contracts. etc.  I still woke up Saturdays and by the time it was 7 am , we were riding.  Just my boyfriend and his best friend. Protecting me. No drafting. Just riding.  And my bf's dad would wait us at about 60 miles, pick me up so the guys could go on with their training.  Good times... I loved it and I think that was my way of claiming some level of independence and space. It was a bit crazy. I was risking a lot but we tried making it as safe as possible. And I would have gone crazy if it wasn't because of those times.  There was only one ally in the organization... the VP of sales in the channel, of course a cyclist =P . He knew I was riding but looked the other way! And he was supposed to be the most concerned of all (VP of sales who handled all the contracts, including mine). haha Oh man.... I owe you !

So the year as Miss PR ended. I still remember that first Monday I spent in my apt. with nothing to do. Just whatever I WANTED to do.... Ahhhh..... I spent the whole morning eating Lucky Charms and just sitting in the sofa looking at the sky.  Savoring the moment, the silence... the freedom! Of course there were awesome moments and I enjoyed and I treasure TONS of memories.  I wouldn't finish writing if I were to write about ALL the fun stuff and great things I enjoyed!!! But this post is about why I wasn't modeling so....

I wanted to spend more time with my family, boyfriend, myself.  I was tired. That was all... I did a couple more campaigns but then I moved on to coach girls for pageants and give modeling classes.  I stopped exercising, ate whatever I felt like and gained weight. And as I gained weight I did NOT feel like taking even 1 picture.  I felt ok with my body but shooting while in that size was simply out of question for me. NO WAY. And since I was not working or even shooting for the fun of it, there was no reason to be in what I had known as being in shape, so I let myself go.  I know some of you that know me are thinking right now that it's not like I ballooned but to me, it was.

Fast forward a couple years. I was bored and struggling with trying to get back in shape. And there was not an interesting project in the works that would make me shift to my pro mindset and get back in shape, no matter how hard it was.

I had ended my relationship with the cyclist and all the people I knew from cycling were his friends. I didn't feel like contacting them. Funny because now all these people and I have reconnected and they welcomed me with open arms. Some of you know that I always say for some reason I like to train and be sorrounded by cyclists more than triathletes. It just feels more familiar I think. And I couldn't find the courage to go for solo rides.  I was always protected and had company when training.  I dreaded and to this dread indoor training. Now I can manage to get myself do what I need to do, but at that time I tried a couple days and it was over. No more training.

Then I saw one of those Ironman World Champs Coverage and thought why not? Next day I was looking for a coach and started training. In the process, I lost a whole lot of weight and people started asking for pictures. And I started feeling more like myself and decided to give it a try and see what happened and what we came up with.  I chose a great team of talented friends, Siul Martinez as the photographer and Confessor Bermudez as Make up artist. I did the styling, which was actually very simple but cool. I also chose location.

So, my friends, you will get to see what we came up with as we gear up for some little fun with 30days30pictures. We will post a daily pic on Twitter and Facebook so stay tuned! :D

Racing,setbacks and changes/ Shoot for the Moon

So, it's been months since my last post.  A lot has happened since then.  My never-ending battle with shin splints forced me to come to terms with the fact that not being able to run was going to make my Ironman China dream impossible... At least for this year. For a week I felt dissapointed and frustrated. In my previous non-sport related adventures there was really so little that could get in the way of my goals and now it is just so different. So many things can get in in the way it just blows my mind... and this is just the beggining of the journey, so I am trying to do the best job I can getting used to it.

Some months ago I talked to coach and told him I didn't want to race anything in a couple months. Just train and then in June, race the Rincon triathlon. Why that specific race? Well, it has both olympic and sprint distances. And as you already know, I can't really run or have any training on it. But I know I can push myself to finish a 5k run.  More than that won't be an easy thing to do and I think it would be putting myself at risk of further injuring myself.  The other reason is that I've heard such great things about that race from other triathletes that I wanted to race it. It's one of the oldest races here. Almost 30 years old. Geez, that's my age!

So for a few months we just focused on training and nothing else. I also went back to solo training and I have to say I like the fact that I feel it helps me stay focused on MY goals and the work we are trying to do, instead of changing or adjusting my plan in order to be able to train with a group.  Don't get me wrong. I do miss my tri friends, and I did enjoy group rides. But I know pretty well what my weaknesses are and trust me, staying focused is one , if not my biggest challenge.  Now that I got to the topic of weaknesses and challenges.... my God do I struggle with .... CONSISTENCY!!! I can have two/three awesome weeks and then I hit a blah moment when whatever was driving me is gone and I just try to do the best job I can at literally forcing  and dragging myself to do what I need to do. Sometimes I would spend an hour just sitting in front of a lane in the pool, trying to get myself into the water. Do the consistency issue is more of a focus issue? Or does not being consistent contributes to losing focus? Still trying to figure it out.

Anyhow, during those months I made HUGE gains in my swim. The bike too, but I sort of got caught in a swim frenzy, which is really funny because I used to HATE swimming.  I think by now I should just trust whatever Nick, my coach, says. Even as crazy as it might sound.  In the beginning he said after first training camp I wasn't going to hate it that much and I thought he was crazy, there is no way I was really going to like goig up and down a lane for 3,000 meters or more. Uh... I was terribly wrong. And that makes me think. Yes, Siul, you won this one.  I was wrong, you were right haha. Note: Siul is a very special person in my life who taught me the basics of swimming and who inspired me to start swimming in the first place. Thanks, buddy.

After months of just training, and with the race I really wanted to race coming up I somehow decided I wanted to race, but not race, another one. Ok, I'll explain myself now.  I wanted to race this other event because I wanted to have the "feeling" of doing the open water and see how I was doing.  And at the same time, it is a charity event, so I wanted to be part of it. But I had NO intentions whatsoever of going all out on the bike course.  However, I really wanted to see what I could do in the run, though. I bet that you that are reading this right now must be thinking... good, just do a reelay, right? not that easy. I wanted to do the whole race even if it didn't make sense not doing my best effort on the bike. And why not do my best effort on the bike?  Well, I am no expert. But in my mind, mixing about 800 people ranging from people with NO bike handling skills whatsoever on mountain bikes, or whatever bike they have to elite racers in aerobars in a 3 mile aprox loop in Puertorrican roads makes me cringe. I say Puertorrican roads because unfortunately it is an survival adventure to ride in our full of potholes roads. I am not exaggerating. And it's a shame but it is what it is.

However, I have to say it is a well organized, nice event with a wonderful cause that helps serve really sick kids and their families here on the island and it also gives money to a house where birth moms who want to place their kids for adoption can safely leave their babies until they are placed in a safe, loving family. I give them a lot of credit for this and also for getting a lot of people excited about the sport and giving the sport a real try after that race.

I am just insecure when it comes to the bike and eventhough as much as I like biking, I am also very picky and terrified by it.  That's the main reason I am a triathlete and not a cyclist but that's another 20 bucks.  I have quite a few reasons for being scared of the bike. Well I'm scared of crashing, that is.  First of all, I am a model.  I had been in sort of a self imposed retirement but after quite some people and clients started asking me why I wasn't working anymore I started thinking of the real reasons why I stopped modeling. And I realized I still love it and I missed it. I left it on the wrong terms and I have unfinished business there. It is part of who I am and it's something I have been doing for quite a long time. So, I have a few projects in the works for this year. And.... road rash and scars are not in any of my clients wish list. I know, I know.... maybe my two passions don't mix well and it is just a matter of time before I end up crashing and ..you know the rest.  But I don't want to think more about that :-/  .  The second reason, I think is that as part of this journey, when I started training a year ago, my sports doctor discovered that I have Celiac Disease and that I spent so many years with it, not knowing I had it, that my body was malnourished.  As a consecuence, my bones suffered the consecuences and I was osteopenic, just .01 away from it turning into osteoporosis.  I knew that in case of a bad crash, chances were that things could go really wrong so easily... my hips being the most affected with a very poor bone density.

Anyway, fast forward a couple weeks and it is race day.  The day started with an awful, never experienced before situation.  I like to arrive in transition area as soon as it opens. It gives me peace of mind to set my things up with plenty of time and not be in a hurried frenzy from the moment I get there.  So, as usual I did arrive REALLY early. Set my T area and realized I had left my Garmin monitor in the car.  NO problem. I had plenty of time (see why I like the extra time?).  The roads were still not closed.  I crossed the street and almost got run over by a car with four guys who seemed to be under the influence of something more than alcohol.  I just shrugged my shoulders, looking at the ground and shook my head.  When I crossed the street the guy who was in the passenger seat started yelling things at me. "No what B*@tch? No what? As he threatened to get out of the car and commit battery. Just like that. I didn't do anything to provoke them and I was all by myself so I just tried my best to ignore them as the guy kept yelling and threatening me with stuff that I won't even write because I still can't believe anyone would say such awful things to a person, especially without any reason.  Even worse, the look in his eyes was very scary. He meant every single word he was saying. So I just stopped. If anything were to happen, it would have to be right there, where everyone could see it.  The traffic kept moving and they left.  I was so terrified I was shaking. And was scared to go to the car but realized there were cops in every corner so I braved out and went for my monitor. By the time I was back it was time to go to the start line. Still shaking I left and realized I had forgotten my timing chip and had to run back to get it.  I was so nervous I couldn't get it on.  I acted as if nothing happened, in an attempt to make myself forget about it and make the fear go away.

This was a weird event for me because since it is a charity event, a lot of my peers from the media were "racing' it too. Most of them were just doing reelays, and the women were in full make up and hair. In the start line I had the chance to say hi to some of them and one of the managers came to me as I was walking to the beach to warm up to present me this year's Miss Puerto Rico.  I felt awful that I had to just say hi very quick and run to get my warm up done. I felt rude for not being able to stay a bit longer and really meet her. :-/ Also, it was such a weird feeling.  It was like seeing myself in a mirror.  In front of me there ws the old me, and on the other side, there I was. An athlete saying hi and goodbye real fast because I had to go to get ready to get my job done.


I decided to do a little warm up in the adyacent beach and felt alright.  Just kind of frantic, to be honest.  I felt a little better as I was with the hundreds of triathletes in the start line. Feeling safe there.  It was good to see friends and wish them well. The gun went off and from the first moment I felt great. I was trying to be cautious because I thought I could be just having a short adrenaline rush caused by the freaky incident moments before, I tried to not go all out and swim stronger as I progressed into the event if I still felt good.  And just like that I felt really strong.  By the time I got to the first buoy, there was a mess. Or more like a huge mass of people (men and women from the reelay teams, and women and men from the olympic distance). Some of them just trying to rest there. So I tried to swim my way away from that trying to hit, kick and smack people as little as possible (I still feel bad about it, but getting over it real quick I think! ;-P). Inevitably, I hit someone and felt something snap out of my wrist. One, two more strokes and I look and my Garmin was not there!!!!!!!! One , two strokes and when it was time to breathe I did so looking to the back... and I saw my precious ($400) Garmin monitor sinking. Right there , in the lagoon. One, (shit I am doing so good), two ( forget it! it's not worth it!!) , three... STOP. Swam back and did three dives. First one just to try see it. Second, I dived and missed it by an inch maybe.  Big breath and dive again, kicking like mad as I was going down... I got it!!!! I hat to take a few moments to catch my breath and then start swimming. STOP again. I was holding the monitor in my hand and as happy as I was to have it, I was becoming increasingly frustrated not knowing what to do with is as I was afraid to loose it again. I was also aware that I had lost a considerable amount of time and that my race, or the main reason why I was doing it, which was the swim, was over.  I decided to put it inside my trisuit and had to slow down a bit as with every stroke I felt it move inside the trisuit and was afraid it was going to get out of the suit and sink. I knew if that happened, I might not be so lucky again.  I lucked out. A guy lost his Garmin that day the same way I almost lost mine. =-(

I finally got out of the water, and I realized that eventhough it was not the way I envisioned it and I had lost a lot of time, I was doing great and was ahead of a LOT of people.  The first transition in this event is a really long one. 800 meter transition for a sprint tri.  After debating the night before if I wanted to run barefoot or use the mini transition they put in the sand, I decided to take a few seconds, or even a minute to put on one of those vibrams shoes.  Good call, at least on this one I followed my instincts.  I say good call because what I thought could happen just happened to Edgardo, the top Puertorrican male triathlete. He stepped on a glass or something and cut his feet. Had to loose four minutes in the medical tent. And ended up loosing the event for two minutes. So it cost him the race.  I really did not feel like cutting my feet with anything...

Now as I was running to get the bike, Julissa, a friend of mine and mother of a promising 14 year old boy tri star, told me... "easy Isis, it's not worth it". It was raining cats and dogs and my answer was "don't worry, the race for me is over. I am just going to slack this thing to get it over with" . Now why on Earth if my common sense was telling me badly to not carry on I ignored it? I still don't know the answer to that but I guess that is just one of the tons of lessons I will learn along the road. The thing is I got on the bike, with this horrible feeling that it was not SAFE.  The road was in a nasty condition. For moments it felt more like I was riding a mountain bike or something.  No aerobars. Second loop and I tried to shook off the feeling and brave on and keep on going. Being as careful as I could but keep going.  And all of a sudden, I see two guys crash in front of me.  I was not drafting so I had plenty of time to make a move and avoid the crash.  Anyone who knows me knows I HAVE TO know the cyclist and his/her riding style and skills in order to feel safe enough to get close. Yes I am THAT psycho when it comes to the bike :S  . The thing is that in order to avoid the crash I had to make a move, but the road was so slippery, I knew it had to be a slow/controlled movement or I would end up crashing too.  To my surprise, I thought all this pretty quick and stayed under control .. to no avail. As much as I tried, my bike slipped and I went down.  The crash was so solid I didn't even got road rash (yay!!! lol) .  Now, that's not a good thing I was about to learn.  As soon as I hit the road I thought "get up , get up and get back on the bike. NOW!!". Wow... I must seriously be morphing into a badass triathlete!!! :) .  And I also knew if I didn't get up, other people would crash trying to avoid me, or hurt me even more crashing with me.  The thing is that when I tried getting up, I realized I simply couldn't. UH OH.

For a moment I panicked and I felt the tears coming.  Not because of the pain. Yes , it did hurt a lot but I was just terrified feeling the pain in my hip and shoulder as I remembered the condition on my bones.  I knew in any case a broken shoulder or collarbone wouldn't be terrible. Now a broken hip... I took a deep breath to prevent myself from loosing it and start crying right there.  Paramedics rushed and picked me up. When I got in the ambulance I see another athlete.. on a gurney and completely inmobilized. It was Jochi, my 14 year old friend, who had crashed a few minutes before I did. In as much pain as I was, instinctively I forgot about myself and started comforting him and making sure his mom knew about the crash. Asking him how it happened and if he could move his legs. Where he had pain, etc. Touching his hair with left hand (couldn't move right one). Making sure that his helmet, bike, and shoes were safe (I didn't even know where my stuff was! lol).  As it turns out, Jochi was racing Ironkids Orlando two weeks from that day and trying to qualify for the National Championship.  I was praying he was ok as he was complaining of heavy hip pain.  Turns out thank Gos he got bad road rash but he was ok. Julissa and Alberto, his parents, took care of me in the hospital as I had no one.  I was by myself in the race
and since I was taken in ambulance from the crash site, I didn't have anyone's phone number for hours.  Jochi's dad went back to the transition area and got my stuff and bike in the police station. Once again, thank you guys. It was a scary feeling being all by myself and with you I felt like I had family there with me.

Now I.... the doctor said I had dislocated my shoulder but nothing was broken.  She, according to her, "put the arm in it's place" and I was "good to go".  Two days later I still had NO movement in that arm. So I called my sports doctor, who rushed to my house and decided she wanted both shoulder and hip MRIs. Did I mention I have the best team ever and the best sports doctor? =) The shoulder MRI showed a fracture in the shoulder and partial tear of rotator cuff tendon.  The hip one shows a lot of fluid near the joint but no fracture, thank God.

I was very frustrated for the first few days. Training was going so good, or at least that's how I felt. I just started swimming a year ago and I am doing extremely good for just so little time. And to have to stop for who knows how many weeks/months....ARGHHH....


I was not in a good state of mind and I started questioning myself a lot of stuff. Why the hell are you doing this? Is it really worth it? Do you really want this? You have invested so much effort, energy and MONEY in all this. You have been doing sacrifices others think crazy to pay for your coaching, races and stuff... then again, is it really worth it?

Just when I decided to start this journey and started training and racing, right away I started having a series of setbacks in my business, and I made all the adjustments you could think of in order to stay training.  And just as things are getting better , sponsors are starting to roll in and there is a nice/ related project brewing and  I was thrilled that I would be back training with my coach being able to focus on this.... I have to stop. AGAIN.  Since I have been battling nagging injuries all year and just when I think it's getting better it turns out it's NOT, it sometimes get to me and I get really frustrated.  This haven't been the hardest thing on Earth but man, it has been everything but smooth!!!

I spent a few days laying in bed (trying to recover), going to medical appointments and not wanting to speak to many people, trying to have some time to think as clearly as I could as I felt in a crossroads and could make important decisions and changes.

Once again, lots of questions ran through my mind.  Is it worth it? Do you believe you have the potential do what you want to do? (I'll keep that to myself)? Do you realize you might be risking the last 10 years of your modeling career for who knows what ? why?  Are you willing to pay the price? The one that can be measured with dollars and the one that simply cannot be measured? Do you realize the level of commitment you have put in all this and the one you will need to have in order to do what you want to do? Are you aware that even with your best effort, commitment and all the sacrifices the outcome might not be what you want or expect?  Maybe everyone else is right....

I spent a good week going back and forth, really down and very ambiguous.  I did not wanted to talk to anyone. I did not want my decision to be influenced by anyone's opinion. Just MY decision. After careful consideration, to go with what I knew my heart wanted. But pretty much the mental battle was to just QUIT or GO ON... yes, that's how frustrated I felt after a year of great accomplishments but a year of not being able to run and training to not even be able to race or accomplish the main goal who got me training and the only reason I started training in the first place... So I had that one on one hand, but at the same time, I fell in love with the sport and have been slowly making some progress and racing other stuff. BUT... is that enough to keep training the way I was training and investing what I was investing and invest what I had planned for this next year??? That was the biggest question.

On the other hand... a little more optimistic view.  After all, in different situations, but I have been in a similar situation before. When everyone else said don't do it, you won't acheive it. You are too X or Y. Have you lost your mind? And I know too well that I can live with trying my best and not getting the results I want. But as I tell the girls I have coached for pageants, I couldn't live in peace knowing I didn't have the guts to go for what I really wanted and quit for whatever reason. Or simply let an opportunity go, knowing too well that sometimes that wndow of opportunity is given to you just once.  Forget about quitting because others thought it was impossible. Or that I simply didn't try hard enough or gave my best.

Since I was a 15 year old kid I have lived my life with an incredible drive, in a fast paced lane, passionately following my dreams. By the time I was 16, I was traveling the world on my own, representing my country and spending as much as 1 month in Ecuador, come to PR, pack and leave to Spain for three more weeks, come back, pack and leave to the US and so on. I know too well what I am capable of when I set my mind to something and although I accept it takes a lot for me to commit to something, once I do, generally, there is no turning back. And as people who really know me know, I really, REALLY like to prove people wrong. Specially when it comes to underestimate others' abilities and talents to make their dreams come true.

So, one evening, quiet and alone I decided that this was no different. And I read a Twitter message from one of my dear cycling friends. Blue. And he said the magic word. Commitment.  Right there. It hit me. I wanted to commit to ________ and there was no turning point. I might have to do some adjustments, here and there, I have to learn a lot about patience, being flexible and other stuff I am not used to. I am used to different things, Seeing results in a different/ fastest way, designing a plan and following it from point A to point B with  incredible precision and relying on my team for guidance in that process. Here it is pretty much the same thing. Just things are not as black or white and there are LOTS of tweakings that will have to be done down the road.  Changes will have to be made at times. Some I will like and some I won't. People usually being the hardest on me. I am very careful choosing the people I want to work with, but once I choose, I HATE to change or loose people on my team.  This New Years Eve I lost a member of the team.  A swim coach that I had started to work with.  Junior and I, or Wilson, as we jokingly called him (as the ball in the movie Cast Away), couldn't enjoy a lot of time together.  He was gone too soon.  Eventhough he unexpectedly died a few months after we met, he did an awesome job helping me fall in love with swimming.

He told me some words I will never forget and that really come to my head EVERY SINGLE TIME I am training in the pool or now racing.  He called me to the side and said " It might be too soon but watching you I can't help but think you are one of those born with the talent to swim, girl. It is a real shame you didn't start as a kid and just started, but I have faith in you and I believe you'll make it". And this coming from the most renowned swim coach here with over 20 years of experience and multiple champions, meant and MEANS a lot to me. One of my most treasured moments.

As I wrote before, there is nothing that is harder on me than this changes. I value my team like most people can't even imagine.  There is a reason I chose them for starters, and once there is a relationship and we click, forget it.  I, good or bad, maybe both, depending on the situation, am extremely loyal to the people I choose to have in my life.  But life is unpredictable and change is something we can't always control.  Some people and athletes love certain things in their lives, possesions, equipment, etc.  Some people collect houses, bikes, cars.... I happen to sort of like "collecting" people. lol =)  I don't have a lot of real friends but my best friends are the same ones I have since I was a little kid. Of course I've added a few ones as an adult, but I treasure my friends with all my heart and would do anything for them. Wait, back to training and stuff....

And although I admit I sometimes feel really lonely in this adventure (none of my real close friends undersand shit about this, and my family feels proud but doesn't understand jack about it either, let alone understand my ermm obsession with all this), I do have a great team to rely on. Some are far far away and communication is not always easy.  Sometimes when I need a push or pat on the back they are not here and that's when I miss a club, a team or local coach, but then again, I trust that I made the right choices and with the good comes the not so good and that's when I have to get creative....

Thank God my position as a renowned public figure here in my country helps me a lot when I need helps and no one is there. Or I need motivation, or answers to what I sometimes think are silly questions I don't even bother asking the people I should probably ask, my team. =P  . Welcome to my world, that's me. The thing is that being who I am, I have met some of the most famous/experienced athletes/coaches of my country.  And at least I know I have my cycling "mentor", who I can turn to the moment I need to.  When I am shit scared of something, when I have done something I couldn't do before and am ecxtatic or when I need advice or simply feel like I need someone to tell me I can do it.  So cycling is covered. Now swimming has been difficult.  I had "Wilson" but he is gone and I have tried to find someone but no one clicks ='( . A lot of nice people, but I don't know. I can't tell what it  is. Some of them I simply can't understand.  They explain stuff and it feels like they are speaking in Chinese. I speak perfect Spanish and I would say decent English but NO Chinese. So I need to find a swimming mentor.  And a run mentor. For the run I have a few options.  Turns out the best Puertorrican runners are from my hometown.  And perhaps I will click with one of them? Anyway, I can't really run right now so no need to worry about that part yet O_o.

Some athletes do great on groups, some seem to work perfectly with remote coaching programs, which is what I have.  I love it but also feel I need someone here who can give me a little help once in a while, push me when I feel like I'm done.  Maybe the pros and other people work perfectly just with remote teams. But I don't feel experienced or strong enough-yet to rely only on just that. That is why I am always looking for mentors, local coaches who can help or other experienced athletes who can help me out.  I usually don't go for tri coaches or triathletes but for swim/bike/run athletes or coaches.  I might be wrong but i feel that is the perfect balance for me.  I NEED that constant motivation, that little extra push. I find I work better when I have that. Now that I think of it, maybe when I am missing that is that I start letting things get in the way of my training.  I think in time I will get mentally stronger and won't need as much motivation or moral support from others...

Sometimes I admit the workouts and times seem/feel intimidating and I start mentally bailing out of it.  I don't know.  It seems and sounds dumb, but I am not used to working this hard. Just slowly getting used to it. And when sometimes other  experienced/seasoned athletes ask what i have to do and i tell them, their comments don't help. "Damn girl that's just too hard. Are you really able to do that?" For example, one time, we were having dinner and they asked what I had to do next day. I said a 2,700 m . Main set 5 x 200 on 4:00 sendoffs. They looked at each other, all 4 of them (guys) and said that's way too hard.  None of us can do that. Can you really do that??? Sure enough I entered the pool the next day dreading the workout. And of course I didn't do even a single one under 4:00, let alone leave on 4:00.  Now about four weeks later I was doing them !!! I still struggle with letting people's opinions or commnts intimidate me but I try to keep in mind that the fact that other people can't do a specific time, no matter how long they have been training or racing doesn't mean I can't do it! It still seems weird and unrealistic to me but that is just the way it is and I have already seen proof of it.  And when my coach says he thinks I can do it, he knows better than those who say I can't or it's too hard or fast.

I think another reason why I just used to get so stressed when I saw certain workouts is because I just felt really frustrated if I couldn't hit the times. I hated that I felt that i FAILED.  And I already recognized when the possibilities of not hitting the times were very high. Sometimes it had nothing to do with not working hard enough. We were just testing. I just didn't know and didn't understand and I felt extremely frustrated. Funny thing is I never stopped trying. And it paid off. So I learned a bit from that too. Now that makes it a little easier when I get in the pool, work my @ss off and have what I think is a crappy session.

Almost everyone has questioned my choice of coaching. And when they see some of my trainings, they think it is crazy because I am just starting and should be doind base training, blah blah blah. I love my coach and in so little time, with me having absolutely -0- experience in any of this, he has helped me get a condition that I thought would take me years to achieve.  And the truth is that slowly, some of the people who have questioned/criticized my choice of training have come to me saying they can't believe how much I've progressed, specially with something so technical and hard as the swim for most non swimmers.  And asking me if I changed my coach. When I say NO, they say wow, well whatever he is doing is evidently working .  It took me a while to find who I wanted to train me, and a little "stalking"(LOL) by what he thought was a spammer (my account was new and I had one of my modeling pics as avatar).  Actually I opened a Twitter account in the hopes of finding him after multiple failed attempts to find him on Facebook.  Yes, I know it is one hell of a weird story and way to get your coach! So yes, after making him open a MSN messenger account to chat with me ( I was WAY too nervous and felt my crappy English was going to bail on me and I would not be able to mutter a single word!), we started working together and I love his work.  I just need to find creative ways to make up for the distance (my Flip camera works wonders) and complement my other coaching needs that have nothing to do with my training plan and more to do with my mental sanity and motivation =).  That's what the "mentors" are for :-)

So, after this testament, cathartic blog entry, more like a book, I am clear on what I want. And I will give my best to ______________ and just see what happens.  As one of my favorite quotes says, "SHOOT FOR THE MOON... EVEN IF YOU FAIL, YOU WILL LAND AMONG THE STARS" ... It has taken me to places most people can only dream about, and I hope this is no exeption...